The superiority of roll on deodorant

Dear Fuckers that go to Earle Page College.

It has come to my attention that Roll on deodorant pwns Spray deodorant.

Now before you all protest wildly, kicking and screaming that you NEED spray deodorant because it makes you smell not bad I have some shocking, shocking news:

ROLL ON DEODORANT PREVENTS BODY ODOUR

That is right! Believe it or not, contrary to seemingly popular belief, spray deodorant is not the only deodorant that works. I use roll on deodorant and I do not smell. I know this because I smell myself frequently. And make other people smell me. And pay ridiculously close attention to how people react to being close to me. Because I'm paranoid like that. You should try it. You do tend to convey insanity but on the plus side you learn new things.

Now when I say 'it has come to my attention' what I actually mean is, I have known for some time. Since, in fact the day when, early in O week, someone or other that I was yet to recognise stood up and said something along the following:

"Bla bla bla fire alarms in every room, bla bla bla fire trucks come, bla bla bla automatically go off, bla bla bla spraying deodorant will set them off, bla bla bla billion dollar fine"

See? I wasn't even paying full attention and I got the general gist.

Initially, I only cared because I didn't particularly fancy a billion dollar fine to my name. I need that money for tuition and the ridiculously overpriced textbooks and stuff. To you know, be a uni student, and live at the college with the fucktarded fire alarms and all. But then I realised that there is one thing worse then a billion dollar fine. And this is a fire alarm.

See, last night I decided, when I realised it was 3-something Am and I was still awake that I would skip my history lecture this morning in order to have a sleep in and have some time to do that damn history essay. And then, at like 8am, here I am in a nice comfortable warm slumber, when all of a sudden what do I hear but SIRENSIRENSIRENSIRENSIREN etc. And I'm all well fuck that shit! But evidently staying in bed ignoring it is not an option so I, almost automatically as they are so freaking common, haul arse out of bed, get dressed, wearily stumble out the road and sit in a huddle with the rest of my floor in the FREEZING COLD. For something that amounts to probably about 30 minutes. Whilst staring at the plainly not on fire building that I just left.

Of course soon enough the floor responsible is found out from the alarm monitor and a chant of 'MID B MID B MID B MID B MID B MID B' is executed. And what set the fire alarm off? Well, let's see..Oh that's right THE SAME FUCKING THING THAT SET IT OFF EVERYTIME.

Seriously, how did you fuckers get into Uni?

So, please, in future, find it in your heart to use roll on deodorants. I will buy them for you if you wish. I will even apply them to your underarms. Just don't make me go through ANOTHER one of those ridiculously recurring, entirely preventable, sleep-wasting fire evacuations.

Your loving collegian, Livi

Ps. FUCK.