Tuesday, May 4, 2010

She brought us all home, one last time.

I got out of bed at 7.30 this morning, which is a somewhat odd experience. I'm sure I posted here once before about my Oma getting sick. And the wheels being set in motion for her 14 sibling wide, 4 generation long family to all find out, come home, and organise what must be organised.



I woke with a phone call from Dad, oddly enough I didn't realise it was 7.30 and spent the first bit of the conversation trying to pretend he didn't wake me up (assuming I'd slept to some ridiculous time like midday for him to be ringing me). Oma's health had been slowly deteriorating over the past year, to the point where sometimes now she isn't aware of reality and sometimes she is. This morning however, she had gone into a complete state of non responsiveness, still breathing but not communicating. And her breathing wasn't right.



Like clockwork the familiar organisations all came pouring out in Dad's shaking voice. Could I ring Anna, he had to call Liz, Michael had spoken to Mary and they couldn't get onto Alex. Katy's down there and he'll get down there as soon as he hears back from Ed and Jus. I hung up the phone and picked up my mobile to call Anna, I had three missed calls from Gebe which made me realise it was serious. My cousin was ringing me at Seven in the morning. I was in the car and on my way home from Armidale within the time it took to finish the multitude of phone calls. I managed to forget my laptop, any clothes, and shoes. Somewhere in the back of my mind was the comforting thought that I wasn't alone. Liz and Neil were on their way from Parkes, Mary, Greg & Curly from Penrith, Agy from Canberra, Big John from Goulbourn, Eddy from Port Mac, and Justine from Sydney.



Mez called at 10 to make sure I knew. I responded to his "hey how are you?" with "I'm on my way home" to save having to go into it, the horrible feeling of having to tell someone is the worst. "Oh, good. Thank God. I just wanted to make sure you know" "yeah I do, I'll be there soon...you ok?" "yeah, I think. You?" "Same" "Annes in the air, there's no way we can tell her before she lands' 'shit I forgot she was coming". Add Anne from Holland to the list. Talking to my two closest cousins, in age and in friendship was what really set the feeling going. This was big. The severity of a situation in our family can be somewhat measured by how much we pull together for support. It was nothing short of the worst car trip of my life. It's weird how my families support and love can make me feel comforted and at home, but shit scared at the same time.



I text mum to let her know I was home safe as soon as I drove into town, and headed down to the school to pick Anna up, as we had planned, and go to see Oma. My phone rung as I turned into the street the school was on and it was Mum, somewhat strained, trying to tell me to call Dad before I went into school. I was all, "Mum, it's planned, it's fine, stay out." "I just.. i just call him first. I don't know if they are at school...." and then I snapped into mild hysteria. "Do you know something? Mum what do you know? what happened? MUM TELL ME NOW. TELL ME I-" and then I dropped the phone as I saw Dad's car parked at the school and Dad sitting in the drivers seat with the door slightly ajar. Waiting. It all fell into place. He was waiting for me. Waiting until I drove to where Anna had told him we'd planned so he could tell me in person. Not wanting to call me at 10.30 when it happened because I was on the road and still had 3 hours to drive alone. Anna not telling Mum, because Dad said not to just yet, so there would be no chance of me finding out until I was safely home. Mum realising something was wrong when she talked to Anna anyway and wanting to stop me wandering into school to find it void of my relatives.



My whole world didn't come crashing down right then. It partly crashed a few years earlier when it was decided Oma had to go into a nursing home. Months after that it crashed more, when she had a mini-stroke. Again when I realised that her mind wouldn't quite be the same. And every time she couldn't recognise me, or asked where Opa was, or spoke to me in dutch and waited for me to reply. The day she became bedridden. Last Sunday when I couldn't get a linear conversation to happen with her at all, except when I left and said I loved her in dutch and she took a long breath in, paused for a few minutes and managed to say she loved me too. Yesterday when Dad called to let me know she seemed worse. This morning when he called to say she was barely conscious. And it would again later today when I was on my own with Mum, and it all hit me again, and she said all the wrong things and I yelled and cried and kicked things and drove down to Dads uncontrollably crying. And tonight when I realised, this was the last time we'd all be called home. But at the moment that Dad walked over to me, pulled me into a hug and said 'she's gone', part of my world came crashing down.



We went into school and all my old teachers gave me that painful sympathy face. I saw Dommer, my sister and cousin Dom's delighful friend, also Dom's partner in crime and name-sharer. He told me 'all the crazydutchlastname kids are in the first seminar room' (Yes, I'm still afraid of this blog being found). Anna, Demi, Bronte, Mez, Dom and Jacob all hugged me. We joked about how we take up a whole seminar room and it's not even close to all of us and me and Bronte cried a little. And then my sister told me 'Liv, I cried. I balled my eyes out.' and proceeded to break my heart.



I told Dad I'd call her that morning. It seems odd to most people, but it made perfect sense to me. My Dad had so many people to ring, and so much to organise, and he wanted to get down to the nursing home. Anna was the one person I could actually take off his back. We are close, we get each other, and besides, we both know Anna never gets emotional about anything. Things just don't bother her. I mean, the everyday things do, like when her one-handed slut friend with a boyfriend that isn't really a friend hooks up with our friend that just became a teacher. Or when good television isn't on because of the tennis. But she doesn't cry about people. It's not that she doesnt care. It's just how she's always been. So I rung her as planned, she said she'd rather just wait till I get here to go see Oma and we organised for me to pick her up from school. I told her I was gonna go so i could get on the road and she said see you soon. "and Bell..are you ok?" "yeah. ..you know how I am." And she really was fine. "Dude one day you're going to get a gun and go shoot a whole bunch of people" "hahahaha probably" "just sayin...anyway I'll see you soon".



She went off to school, with it on her mind, but fine nonetheless. And then in religion they prayed, and it reminded her of Oma (if you'd met my grandparents, you'd understand). So she started telling her friend Mady about it and next minute there is a knock on the door and Mez appears, asking Mr Thomas if he can see Anna. She's like hmm, ok.. and starts to walk to the door when Mez realises Dom was in the same class. "Oh, and Dominic too" .....oh fuck. The three of them walked in silence. James, usually the one to be grinning about anything managed to say "There are people waiting down at the office" and that was it. Anna's head was spinning and she could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. She said it was the longest walk of her life, and it felt like the already seemingly endless path to the office went for even longer. Dom leaned into her and said in the most serious, most unlike Dom voice she'd ever heard "this isn't good, is it." "nope." And as they got closer to the office they made out familiar shapes at the office. Dad, John&Tanya, Michael&Colleen, Demi, Bronte, Jacob. And when Dad broke the news that she already knew in her heart to her, she fell into his arms and balled her eyes out. And she felt him start to cry too. And when she told me that, especially the last bit, on the way to get pizza tonight, my heart broke into a thousand pieces.


To my darling Oma, Ik houd van u, I love you, Rest in Peace. And I'm sorry my dutch spelling is so terrible, one day I'll learn it properly.